I am a wife. I am a mother of three girls. I am on overload! I feel as if I no longer exist. I am only here to fill a void. Three children, six activities between the oldest two, volunteer work, cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, scheduling…the list is endless.
A friend of mine is also a stay at home mom. She loves it! She feels blessed and truly happy with her ability to stay home with her children each day. I see it in her eyes and her smile. It is the honest truth for her life and her family. I do not feel the same.
I battle depression, anxiety and bi-polar disorder. Staying at home with my daughters has its highlights. However, the reality of the situation is daily triggers for all of the above. I cry while washing dishes. I have panic attacks when I go to the grocery store. I cry when my alarm sounds in the morning. Homework time leaves me shaking and physically weak.
I have no sense of self. I feel as if I have nothing for myself. I have wanted to be a writer since before I could even read. One of my many childhood dreams that has never come true. My therapist keeps pointing out to me that I need to do something for myself. He says I need to be selfish. So, here I go.
I love to write. I have never had anything published. Everything I have ever written is hidden in a decorative box in my closet with the rule that it can be read after I die. I lack the confidence to share anything I have ever written. I have no self-esteem. This has been a major topic in therapy since I was a teenager. This blog will be something that I do for myself. Face the fear, hope for the best and see what happens. I need an outlet. I need away to zone out and be alone for a few minutes. Even if it is just to write something, it is better than nothing.
Maybe I will learn something about myself in the process. Maybe I will have new thoughts to discuss in therapy. Or maybe nothing will change. Only one way to find out. My phone never stops, there is always a knock at my door, yet I feel alone and isolated. My brain and my emotions are on overload. My friend always seems so calm and happy. What is wrong with me that I lack her perspective?