Tomorrow is my day off, and the calendar is full. Ever notice that on our days off from work, we have more to do than we originally think?
I have this overwhelming desire to accomplish a months worth of chores all in one day off. This has always had a negative impact on my depression and it is a trigger for my OCD. Over the last few weeks I have kept track of what I have actually accomplished on my days off. Let me tell you…-the list feels endless!
On my last day off, I rearranged the furniture in all three bedrooms, cleaned half of my room, unpacked two more boxes, filled two boxes with items for the thrift store, started a third box to donate, did two loads of dishes and five loads of laundry. Plus made dinner for my family. The day ended with my hardly able to move and I still drove D- to her evening activity. That was all on Wednesday and my back is still bothering me. Last weekend when I had the day off, it was just as bad.
Tomorrow involves more chores, running errands, cleaning the living room and bathroom, making dinner and whatever else pops up. Tonight, after a long day at work, I have already done two loads of dishes, put the younger two to bed, spent time on the phone with my mom-and that is a draining chore-and gave my oldest a lesson in makeup.
Truly, I am not complaining. I love being back to work and I appreciate my time at home more than I did before. However, I still have this overwhelming desire to do everything! I want to clean the entire place top to bottom and have it perfect. Just clean everything so that on my next day off, there is nothing to clean! And then maybe I could just relax without feeling guilty about it.
Guilt is the best word to describe how I feel on my days off. Guilty if I sleep past 6 am. Guilty if the dishes are not done immediately after lunch. Guilty if all the laundry is not put away before bed. Having a day off is stressful!
Tomorrow, I would like nothing more than to lounge around on the couch and veg in front of the TV. That will not happen. At the end of the day, I will be tired, sore and feeling guilty. There must be some way to end this horrid cycle. It is draining and negatively impacts my family. That is the worst part about it.