I am still on overload, just in a different way. School is starting again, so are all of the activities that were on hiatus during the summer. I still feel I am ‘less than human’ most days, but being back to work has helped boost my self worth a little. Working gives me a reason to get out of bed each morning and helps me feel like I am accomplishing something.
Being on mood stabilizers is making life at home easier for my family. Just not for me. The side affects are making me sick. They put me in the ER once already in the last month. I am anxious and my heart feels like it is going to explode out of my chest. The chest pains are horrible and most days, I struggle to catch my breath. But the girls are happier and so is J-. They say I am not as moody and they like me better this way. The other day was so bad that I was sent home from work because I could not stop shaking and I was talking so fast that I was stuttering and people had a difficult time understanding me. And these meds make my head race so fast!
I feel like I have to watch every last word I say or action I take. I am in a constant state of fear that I will upset someone. This summer I was verbally attacked and told what a horrid parent I am and that I had no right to have children. This went on for a week. Part of me wanted to run away. Part of me wanted to die.
I have been trying to find something positive each day. But the truth is, I am not truly happy and coming home each day is worse than a 10 hour shift from hell at work.