Some things are easier to talk about than others. Personal goals and promises to myself are very difficult for me to talk about. I have let myself down to many times in the past. I feel as if I am lying to myself whenever I set personal goals or make myself a promise.

In January I made a list of things I would like to accomplish this year. One of the items on my list is The Plank. I want to be able to plank-from my toes-for 3 minutes by the end of the year.

This is important to me. My core desperately needs to build muscle. My body feels like it is falling apart. The physical pain triggers my depression. I absolutely hate seeing my family suffer because I have health problems. The feeling of being weak wrecks havoc on my mind. This goal was set to prove to myself that I can accomplish something. To prove that I can be disciplined enough to stick with something and reach my goal.

Starting on my knees, I worked on this little by little. My first time was 12 seconds. I kept working at it until I made 1 minute 30 seconds. This is the point I have been stuck on for the last 7 weeks. It has been driving me crazy! No matter how often I try, there has been no improvement. Then today I finally did it. I planked for 1 minute, 35 seconds!!!Celebrate!

I was feeling defeated before today and was beating myself up. The negative self-talk was telling me that I am not strong enough or good enough. I am lazy and weak. This negative self-talk is the very topic we covered in therapy this week. Self-talk is so powerful, be it positive or negative. These feelings are very real to me. I have tried to hide my frustration from J- and the girls. They do not need to suffer just because I am in a mood. It has been hard. I almost quit trying. Then my therapist gave me ideas on how to deal with the negative thoughts in my head. I came home and tried again. And again. And again. Today, I finally did it:)

My body is not my friend for the last several years. I am beat to hell. Planking from my knees is not easy because there is damage in one of them. My primary MD has said to keep my activity easy and I should be fine for a number of years. This does limit my ability to exercise. With the heat and humidity lately, my arthritis has been flaring. This makes working out that much more difficult. I have written about my bad endless times, so I will skip over that part. Just know that my lower back flares each time I attempt this. On the plus side, the pain is not strong and it does not last long.

Functioning each day is a challenge when I feel that I cannot control my own body. Constantly feeling weak leads to major triggers in my mental health. This is something that I learned as a teenager. It is possible to blame life, hectic schedules, having children, work or any number of other sources for not taking care of my body. The bottom line: look in the mirror. I know how important it is to keep my body healthy. This is just something I have never truly been able to accomplish. Now that I am in my 30s, this is one of my biggest regrets.

My overall mobility has increased noticeably the last three months and my energy level has gone up slightly. To be honest, I was hoping for better and faster results. But I will take what I get and I will keep working. Once I reach 2 minutes, then I will start all over again from my toes.

Wish me luck!