Where to begin? J- moved out as we agreed. He left it up to me to explain this to the three girls. The job hunt is stalled due to no daycare. Bills are piling up, every place within a 15 minute drive is hiring, and my anxiety & depression are running high.
He has become the fun parent. When he comes to visit, they play games, go places, build things, etc. I am the parent to deal with chores, refusing to complete homework and hitting siblings. Today was a struggle. I so desperately just wanted to curl up in a ball, holding all three girls and cry my eyes out. Instead, I got to tackle the late homework topic again, spend 45 minutes cleaning A- and Q- bedroom for them, and dole out punishment for trying to punch a sibling in the face at the doctor’s office.
After the clinic, we came home to find a notice from the electric company on the door. Please pray that our local charity has the funds to help us work out a payment plan. Even with the lack of daycare, I have been working on my resume and submitting applications. And I am waiting for any news about daycare assistance from the county. I asked for temporary help until I find work. Due to the government shut down, my case worker has told me that my application cannot be processed. True or not, I feel as if a job would solve most of my immediate problems. Having a job would give me peace; both in mind and spirit.
Since he has left, we are getting along so much better. We laugh more when we have family time. He still tries to explain certain aspects of his life to me. Yesterday I told him that his life is no longer my problem and he does not have to tell me anything about what he is doing with his friends. J- did not know how to respond and was shocked that I honestly did not care what he did over the weekend with his friends. That was a huge issue between us during our 16-years together. I wanted to know everything that he was doing with his friends because of the lack of trust. There is such a feeling of calm now that I no longer pay attention and just do not care.
For the past several years, I have dealt with massive amounts of guilt if I spent anytime with my friends. One lady I have not seen in almost 10 years is coming to have lunch with me this week. And I feel ZERO guilt:) I do not need his permission. I do not feel as if I am doing something wrong. Her two youngest children are close in age to Q-, so the children will get to meet each other and play, while we catch up in person. For 10 years we have only kept in touch online. I miss her so much. She was a co-worker years ago. We became friends, spent so much time together and she was always a positive force in my life. Even with just online contact, she has remained a positive friend. So many years without seeing her and other friends simply because I felt like I should not because it would cause problems. I cannot believe I let myself sink so low.
I no longer feel as if I have to hide my doctor’s appointments from him. The reason for these appointments will be saved for another time, but at least I am going and not feeling so guilty about them.
The financial problems will pass in due time. I know I will find a job eventually, as well as daycare. The stress of waiting is just eating at me. Waiting has never been easy for me. I want what I want, and I want it now! Daycare now. Job now. Paycheck on payday as scheduled. The underlying tension between J- and I will eventually blow up and then calm down. Frustration is mounting because he has left me to explain this to the girls and he did not tell them he was moving out. He just left and then I had to explain it to them the next day. It did not go well with the younger two. All of this will pass eventually.