“I want to much, but have nothing to give.” This is a line from my journal in May 2012. This statement, and the rest of the paragraph, must be some of the most honest words I have ever uttered.
Did you know that I have never really been on my own? I have always lived with someone or been dependent on someone. Dad, husband, roommates, children, siblings…never on my own, yet completely isolated. Even now, I am not on my own. J- is still part of my life, and I still have my children. Life has been a series of events that have left me feeling desperate for supreme control. I want no one to have any say in my life. No one to tell me what to do or how to feel. Words cannot describe the negative emotions that erupt through me when someone tells me that what I feel is stupid. Umm…hello! My emotions are not at your command!
I see myself as someone who has absolutely nothing to give. I am a lackluster friend at best, a failure as a wife and mother, have no marketable job skills…nothing. My entire life has been spent with my own shadow looming over me. I just want to succeed. I want to be important. I need to be important. Yet, I have nothing to give, nothing that will help me achieve what I want.
I feel empty and hollow. A void of grey nothingness that only widens and deepens as the years go on. -journal entry 2012
A failed marriage does not mean as much to me as it should. I knew it was a marriage made in divorce court before I walked down the isle, yet I still did it. What bothers me the most is how much I have hurt him over the years. I keep wondering if things would have been better if I would have been stronger and left years ago. Hindsight is 20/20 and it does me no good to think about it now. Hurting him is one of my major regrets in life. J- honestly believed our marriage would last and I tried to convince myself that my love for him would last. From the beginning, I told myself that I could do worse for my first husband. This is what I mean by having nothing to give.
When it comes to relationships of any kind, I always hold back a part of myself. There is always a gap or missing link. Even as a child I was like this. Life has taught me that nothing lasts forever and people come and go from our lives no matter what. It is not possible to be a part of anything if you have nothing to contribute.
Even with these thoughts, and reading words that I hid away years ago, I am still glad we have decided to go our separate ways. Yes, I still feel hollow, but this new life event has not made the gap grow.